03 24 01


MY 'FIEND' ACROSS THE AISLE

One trait that I've always found amusing in politicians is their insistence that they don't "hate" anyone. In fact, it's a rare politician who will even admit to disliking anyone, unless it's someone who's been universally approved for hatred like Milosevic or Castro or Saddam. Every time you see a Republican and a Democrat together on a talk show, they do their best to give the impression that their disagreement doesn't get in the way of their 'friendship'.

While it's all nice and gentlemanly/ladylike to pretend to harbor a deep fondness for the jerk who's scoffing at what you just said, it's also pretty stupid. Oh, sure, there's always the bizarre fluke of the Carville/Matalin marriage to point to if you're trying to hold up the theory that people can get along even when they disagree politically, but how many people REALLY think that Trent Lott and Tom Daschle would enjoy sitting down together over a couple of beers and swapping jokes?

I'm not sure what, exactly, politicians are hoping to accomplish by acting as if they all really like each other and anyone else who disagrees with them, but they ought to give it up as a lost cause. There ought to be a limit to politeness, or we run the danger of being subjected, in the not-too-distant future, to discourse on "our good friend overseas, Saddam Hussein" and other such nonsense.

I propose that from this day forward, all politicians make a concerted effort to cut the crap. Wouldn't that be refreshing? Not only would they accomplish more (I figure the folks in Washington waste at LEAST forty-three minutes a day on the "my good friend across the aisle" baloney), but we'd all have a lot more fun watching them. And they could spend more time actually debating each other on talk shows, instead of worrying about whether or not they sounded rude, which would have the benefit of actually getting some information out to the public.

The biggest plus of all would be that Republicans would no longer drone on and on about whatever "unfortunate" comment the "divisive Democrat of the day" said, and would instead be able to say what they really think. Honestly, if I have to see Bob Novak purse his lips and sigh as he bemoans the "unfortunate language" of so-and-so one more time, I'm going to start throwing things at the television. Get over it, Bob! Be a man! The most irritating thing of all is that Republicans are always the loudest whiners about "unfortunate language", yet seem to have no trouble at all using words like 'sleazy', 'tawdry', despicable', 'slimy', etc. to describe President Clinton. And if you call them on it, they'd simply look confused and say "But I'm merely describing the situation as I see it"; and then they turn around and begin mewling over the Democrats' refusal to genuflect every time Bush shuffles past them.

The only way to stop the ridiculous hypocrisy in its tracks is to encourage all politicians and pundits to just be straightforward; and I mean all of them. Think of the relief they'll feel! No longer will Bill Press have to pretend that Tucker Carlson's jokes are funny (well, okay, some of them ARE funny, but only a few); no longer will Tom Daschle have to smile at Shrub. Dan Burton will feel free to wear 'Clinton is Satan' t-shirts over his bullet-proof vests; Jerry Falwell will begin every diatribe against liberals with the words "You evil sinner, shut up and listen or I'm going to sit on you".

Oh, I know, I know, people like to babble on about how important "civility" and such is; but the fact is that most of the so-called "civility" we see from pundits and politicians is so phony it's downright embarrassing to watch. Even actors like Republican David Dreier from California can't pull it off completely.

To illustrate this point, I'm going to give you an imaginary transcript from a Hannity and Colmes show (one of my favorites, especially since Alan Colmes has recently started to show some backbone), with Representatives Harold Ford from Tennessee - love the guy, but he's WAY too nice - and J.D. Hayworth from Arizona - whose politeness is about as convincing as Bush's claims of being compassionate. This is how Hannity and Colmes would be if everyone quit trying to act nicey-nice and just stuck to the truth:

Hannity: Welcome to Hannity and Colmes! Tonight we'll be discussing the Mel Reynolds pardon and what might lie in store for President - I mean ex-President Clinton. Joining us tonight are Representatives Harold Ford of Tennessee and J.D. Hayworth of Arizona. Representative Hayworth, don't you agree that this pardon is a clear example of the lack of morality in the Democratic party?

Ford: Republicans wouldn't know a moral if it bit them on the ass.

Hayworth: Hello Shawn; so nice to see you again. Harold, that question was directed at me; I suggest you shut your trap and learn your place. Yes, Shawn; sadly, that's true -

Colmes: You fascist punk; it's my turn to introduce the guests. We're "fair and balanced", remember?

Ford snorts derisively.

Hannity: Fair and balanced means liberals need to shut up and quit interfering with our agenda. The only fair and balanced viewpoint is MY viewpoint, so--

Colmes: Shut up. Hello, folks; tonight we'll be discussing the right-wing lunatics and their endless obsession with President Clinton--

Hayworth: You're the lunatic, you four-eyed Commie.

Hannity: The liberal Socialist Communist Marxist scumbags can't protect Clinton this time; we're gonna prove once and for all that he's the spawn of Satan.

Ford: Like you did last time?

Ford and Colmes grin and high-five each other.

Hayworth: Hey, we can't help it if the American people are too stubborn to believe everything we tell them. We told them Clinton was bad, and we're by God going to keep telling them, and they're going to agree with us if they know what's good for them!

Hannity: Damn straight!

Colmes: But Representative Haystack - oh, I'm sorry, I mean Hayworth...

Colmes and Ford nudge each other and cackle.

Colmes: Don't you think the public is sick and tired of your endless whining and sniveling about Clinton? Come on, everyone knows you just go after him because it eats you up that the American people voted for him instead of Bush the Wimp and Dole the Troll, and you weren't able to steal THOSE elections.

Hannity: That's just because they've been brainwashed by the vast liberal scheme to delude them into thinking Clinton the slimeball was a good President. And how dare you call us thieves - we don't steal elections; we take them by force! Let's see you pansy liberals try to do that!

Ford: He was a great President; that's why you regressives are scrambling to try to discredit him now.

Hannity: Oh, I suppose you support the heinous pardons then? Of course you do, you socialist, Jesus-hating scumbag.

Ford: I don't give a flying [edited] about the pardons; sheesh, get over it already! It doesn't hold a candle to Papa Bush pardoning Weinberger so he could wiggle out of standing trial.

Hayworth: Yeah, but you can't do anything about that now - it was too long ago!

Hannity and Hayworth give each other a high-five.

Hayworth: It's irrelevant to bring up past pardons, and your sleazy attempts to "put things in perspective" are laughable. The only pardons that matter are the ones Clinton--

Colmes: Time to take a break!

Hayworth: I wasn't finished--

Colmes: You're finished when I say you're finished, fatboy - put a sock in it. We're going to take a break, and when we come back we'll let Shawn and J.D. whine a little more about Clinton's popularity before Harold and I set them straight.

~Rose

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